World Cup Opener

I am one of those kids that ignored the "soccer is un-American and must be hated" lessons.


I love football... both kinds.


I appreciate the Pop Warner version, though it's rather boring most of the time. It shouldn't take 3 hours to play to a 60 minute game. They play for 10 seconds and then stand around for between 30 seconds and 10 minutes. Plenty of action when  they play. Then, we get to see a replay of the same play in the interim and hot girls drinking beer if there's time for commercials. Despite the tedious nature of the game, I still love American football.


But, not as much as I love the real football - the football that the rest of world plays. For decades the American retort has been that there isn't enough scoring in football. Those that believe that myth have never watched a match in an Irish Pub. Plenty of scoring there!


Seriously, I've sat on the edge of my seat for 90+ minutes watching nil games (0 to 0) that were the best sporting events I've witnessed.


Every four years we are treated to a true World Championship tournament that is watched by about 4 billion out of the 7 billion on the planet. It is truly a super bowl.


This year the World Cup is hosted by Brasil, which is predictably living down to expectations. I was offered an assignment reporting the action live. I countered with a proposal to report bar-side from my homeland. So, here I am where I don't need to speak Portuguese to order a drink or prostitute.


Anyway, that's a fractious rendition of what brought me to the Land of Sky Blue Waters.


Opening Ceremony
Beautifully choreographed festival of colours led to an opening kick off by Robert Downey, Jr. A dazzling, dizzying array of festive dancers followed by Ekto-man. Weird!


Opening Match - Brasil v Croatia
The host country has never lost an opening match. Why? It's a setup. Like if the NFL started each season with the Super Bowl victors facing off against the Jacksonville Jaguars.


Brasil almost reversed the trend by scoring an own-goal (think of Vikings defender Jim Marshall running the wrong way to score a touchdown for the opposition) for the first score of this World Cup. Then, Brasil scored a legitimate goal against Croatia not long before halftime.


Banks of lights in the stadium flickered in and out to disprove Brasil's claims that it is a developing nation. Don't even get me started on the subway strike broken up by legions of Policia.


An exceptionally bad call by the ref pointing to the penalty spot to give Brasil a 2-1 advantage. The keeper had his mitts on the ball and didn't reject the shot. That's how bad Croatia is.


Croatia scored a spirited goal that would have drawn them level if it hadn't been waved off by a referee determined to double his errors.


Late in  the match the Croatia goalie nodded off while Brasil rolled a joint, smoked it, and then fed a slow rolling ball that barely had enough gumption to reach the back of the onion bag (net).


Final result: Brasil scored 4 goals, 3 for themselves and 1 for Croatia.


Thus far, Brasil has scored all of the goals in World Cup 2014.


An inauspicious start to the greatest spectacle in sports.


The bad news is that America (we win everything) has no chance. The US team is the equivalent of the Jacksonville Jaguars in this tournament. But don't despair, America is only 4 or 5 World Cups away from being contenders. It is possible that our grandchildren will see America lose a final. You have to look on the bright side.